Modest Proposal of the Day
after realizing the hydrogenated oils contained in the little orange bag of cheetos i ate today will remain lodged in my fatty tissues for all eternity (realistically until my wednesday lipo treatment), i actually emptied the contents of my stomach onto my boyfriend's lap.

then it dawned on me: the public, not knowing better than to scarf down frito lay's altered grain of the month, is seriously reducing its average life expectancy. those who repeatedly ingest these substances are a drain on the health care system. our move to nationalize it will become prohibitively expensive unless such products are banned or good citizens voluntarily agree to abstain from them.

my solution? (1) allow sale of such substances only from duly licensed vendors, and never to children under 21 years of age. (2) require vendors to renew licenses biannually (3) require individuals to report their level of saturated fat consumption when applying for jobs and health insurance coverage.

by adopting this proposal social capital can be maximized. long live the republic!